A while back, I wrote about my impatience over living too much in the present. In my family's constant state of uncertainty, dreaming about the future was much too often a source of hurt and disappointment for me. My husband and I would get ourselves used to one idea, would see ourselves in that world, would start the work of getting there, and suddenly that world would no longer exist. This has happened to us so many times in the last year that I chose, probably for the first time in my life, to stop dreaming.
And I am a great dreamer.
When my husband and I first met, I used to make him play "what if" with me all the time. I would imagine up some bizarre scenario, some other-worldly encounter, and would make him tell me the rest of the story. What would happen if...? It freaked him out, actually. He did not understand the point and would answer lamely with responses such as "But that is not even physically possible." But I can be very persuasive and ultimately I won him over.
Now I am the one who will not dream.
Since I wrote that post last month, I have been allowing my imagination more freedom, little by little. I am letting myself imagine a way out of this place, just in small bits and pieces.
So I have returned many times to the dreaming list I made for myself last year. I sat down and wrote out anything I could think of that I had always dreamed of doing. I tried to imagine that the possibilities of doing these things were real, but did not allow myself to feel committed to actually accomplishing any of them. I let myself write down things that in all likelihood I will never do. If only for the seconds it took me to write them, I took them seriously.
In no particular order...
- Live on a lake.
- Be closer to family.
- Learn to sew.
- Be more self-reliant.
- Grow berry bushes.
- Walk across the country.
- Learn another language.
- Teach my children another language.
- Learn to decorate cakes.
- Build my own home.
- Bathe outside every day.
- Write a book.
- Read every day,
- Weave on a loom.
- Cross the ocean by boat.
- Live abroad again.
- Start a school with a focus on sustainability.
- Care about learning how to invest.
- Translate a novel (for fun).
- Sing back-up in a bluegrass band.
Those are mine. What are your dreams?